anyway, i don't know what it is. maybe it's just me? but i feel like whenever i see a guy that i think is just fucking hot—like the kind of hot where you want to stare at him forever and ever and not peel your eyes away lest you miss any of his hot glory for even a second—there's something seriously lacking with him. for example, there's a dude at my nephew's school who directs traffic or some shit like that; he wears a neon vinyl vest and dirty work boots and gloves. nevertheless, he's tall, dark and nice to look at. i don't want to look at him! but i can't help it.
then there are the dudes who work at sandwich shops. i don't know why i always end up liking hot sandwich makers. when i was in college, i dated this dude for a few months named jaison; before we met, i used to order sandwiches from him, like, on a daily basis and i called him "hot take it away guy" [the sandwich shop was called take it away]. i accosted him at a punk rock bar called tokyo rose one night and was like, "i know you. you work at take it away." [my pick-up lines are so smooth.] he nonchalantly offered me a sip of his gin martini with olives and, by the end of the night, we were making out in the stairwell and he took me home. unfortunately, the relationship ended badly, but it was fun while it lasted. i also had a "hot cosi guy" named niño [what the fuck were his parents thinking?] when i was working at the real estate magazine, but nothing ever came of it. we did spend five hours on a plane together, though. i randomly ran into him at LAX after a reconnaissance trip to LA a month before i moved there; he'd been visiting family in huntington beach and we just happened to have booked the same flight back home to DC. so he switched seats and sat next to me and i slept with my head on his shoulder most of the way. that was probably the last time i saw him.
but my point is: i don't want sandwich guys or traffic directors. i'd like to meet a hot dude who has a great job and a great career happening for him. he needs to be intelligent and witty. and not just that—he needs to be, like, normal. alas, guys with the whole package appear to be as elusive and fabled as the holy grail. "good on paper" dudes often have something else wrong with them; they're either emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic, socially awkward or gay. or, you know, they have shockingly small penises or can't get them up. there's always something.
like, again, i don't know why, but i always fall for the ones who are totally and completely emotionally unavailable. it's like i have radar for these things. oh! you just broke up with your girlfriend of eight years and you're on the rebound? pick me! pick me! or, hey! you're secretly a misogynistic sociopath who's afraid of being emotionally vulnerable? sweet! just my type! and then there's my favorite: the pathological liar with 16 girlfriends who tells you all kinds of crazy shit just so you'll never find out about them. i mean, come on now.
one time i met a guy in arizona named scott on myspace. he was in a band called sex for cigarettes and i was "friends" with them. well, he started an online flirtation with me, which then extended to chatting on AIM and the phone. finally, after the buildup of much sexual tension and curiosity, we decided we'd meet. and, don't get me wrong: it wasn't just like, "hey, let's make this happen"—he'd had plans to travel to virginia to see his friends in VA beach but they fell through and we were both disappointed because he was going to try to drive up and see me. so i was like, fuck it. i'll make a trip to arizona because i've never been there before and i really want to see if there could be something more with this guy.
except, he dropped off the face of the earth a week before my trip. didn't answer my calls, didn't call me back, nothing. so, naturally, i was pissed. but i went to AZ anyway because i wasn't about to waste an opportunity to travel to a new place, nor the money i spent for the plane ticket. when i got there, i rented a car and booked a hotel room, which caused me to spend, in total, a grand that i hadn't been anticipating spending. but scott ended up calling me while i was driving from the phoenix airport to the hotel. and, you know what? we had a fantastic week together. it was awesome. it was just the aftermath that wasn't awesome. it turned out that he had a fucking girlfriend! this chick named susy that he told me he'd broken up with six months prior to meeting me. and they'd been together for a year. meanwhile, susy told me that he'd also been fucking some other chick named—of all things—gypsy a month before i'd gone to visit him. not only that, but he told me that the reason he'd dropped off the face of the earth was because some supposed ex-girlfriend of his—not susy—was trying to get back together with him and that he was considering it. susy said that he'd been with that chick, like, years before and that she was totally out of the picture, yet he always used that story. um, that's weird. it was fucking horrifying and i swore off random internet meetings ever since. but arizona was pretty sweet, especially sedona.
shortly before my trip to arizona, i met dex. and i liked him, but i had this scott shit going on. so we didn't actually end up getting together till two months before i moved to LA, which sucked when i actually did end up moving to LA [i get attached easily and i cried a lot]. well, dex is, admittedly, not the brightest bulb in the box. he always says he's not book smart, but street smart. maybe that's something all dumbasses say to console themselves? i'm not sure. regardless, he's fucking hot when he drums; he's in a band and everyone knows i'm a sucker for the musicians. plus, i'd say that, to this day, he has the hottest body of anyone i've ever dated. still, he was the emotionally unavailable type. constantly depressed, constantly drunk, he was mum about how he felt at any given time and, when pressed to explain himself, he exclaimed, "i like you but you're moving to california!" and that was it. i think he was hung up on his ex-girlfriend, too. i'm not sure why i was so attracted to all of this, but, sadly, i was. i'm over it now, though.
so, anyway, i'm just a little concerned. because i don't want to keep falling for these beautiful douchebags. not to say i need some super-hot guy; i think i even prefer the guys i date to only really be hot to me so that i don't have to deal with them being pursued by multitudes of bitches. i think i need to start looking in different places. seedy indie-rock bars and sandwich shops probably aren't the ideal places to be looking for a mate. my supervisor at instyle and i once went to happy hour at a bar that was frequented by lots of suits, who were surprisingly good-looking all around. or maybe i need to stop focusing on what the dudes look like, though, that might not work seeing as, like andy warhol, "i am deeply superficial." just kidding. sort of.
and, not to sound like a gold-digger or anything, but i need a guy with money. i'm tired of dating these schlubs who don't have any financial stability. i've had to support way too many guys in my lifetime, though i've never been rolling in the dough, either. i mean, shit! i work in editorial. we writers don't make shit for a living. i'm going to need someone with some kind of wealth going on so i can maintain my frivolous spending habits and sophisticated tastes. i used to have a t-shirt that said, "i &hearts dirty boys with no money" because, apparently, all the hot ones are as such and i like irony. but i had to throw that shirt away. i simply cannot be sending such karmic messages out into the universe. my dad hated that shirt, too, by the way.
of course, i'm not really in a position to be dating anyone right now. namely because i'm poor, currently jobless, and living at my sister's house in the suburbs. what a catch! that and my priority is really to get my career going since i'm fucking 25 already and have barely anything to show for myself. so i will merely dream of this hot, accomplished, emotionally available, funny, charming, straight, well-endowed man. wherever the hell he may be. i may have to fight off some bitches with sticks to have him, but, goddammit, it will happen.
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