i stole another glass from a bar.

it's a grolsch glass. i don't think i've ever actually had the beer before, but the glass is pretty sweet...i'm drinking water out of it right now and it's highly satisfying.

anyway, i suppose i'm writing this for myself, as i don't think anyone actually reads this shit anymore. and that's fine...i'm beginning to realize that i should perhaps be a little more private. a little more discreet.

it's not that i don't know how to keep a secret...i've always been the confidante of my friends and i've never told anyone anything i was told not to tell. but sometimes i just don't know whether something's a secret or not. sometimes things just come out because they're the truth and i don't see the harm in talking about them (like the time my sister had just found out she was preggers and i mentioned it to my editor and my sister flipped out. how was i to know that was secret?). maybe it's because i don't keep secrets of my own. i mean, should i? i think life's too short to not be open about my shit. the more people know about me, the more they get me, right? and i've always had that thing about people getting me. ugh.

but back to the topic at hand: i'm being more private. one, because being too open was causing me grief; two, because people really don't care very much; and three, because i don't trust those motherfuckers anyway.

other than that, i've been starting to doubt my skillz at work. like, i used to be certain that i was an amazing employee. i always got my shit done, i always did it meticulously, i always pleased. and now? i'm definitely...not. which sucks. and the thing is that i don't know how to be better right now. i think i keep getting into scrapes because i mean well but don't necessarily follow directions—or, rather, suggestions. i'm really stubborn...i know it. i always think of how my mom once said that i'm stronger-willed than my sister because, even though i may not outwardly rebel, i always do what i want and don't do the things i don't want to do. egh, she may have been drunk when she said it; i don't remember.

i want to take a freaking class. i feel that i've reached a plateau in my work and need to now become an expert at one thing or another or maybe multiple things and i'll just kick ass. i want to be css zen garden good. i think i could be! i've come to really, actually enjoy html and css, and i'm interested in becoming better at photoshop and illustrator (claire opened up new vistas for me the other day with revelations about the pen tool). my website's finally looking kinda legit, too: perspectives from urban bohemia.

in other news, i've been smoking my brains out the past few weeks. i'm giving up on alcohol as a vehicle toward inebriation for the time being; my extracurricular work antics have gotten me into trouble and i mistrust the demon booze. not to say i'm not drinking at all; i don't think that could happen (also, clearly if i stole a glass from a bar—two days ago—there must have been beer in it prior and i must have drank it). but yeah, the weed. i think i'm subconsciously trying to numb myself so i don't have to think about stuff too much...otherwise i'd be paralyzed by the wide spectrum of emotions i feel daily. i won't go into that as, again, i'm trying to be more private. hopefully, though, my lungs don't give out on me, as i do find myself deep-sighing more frequently just to get enough oxygen. oh, what a mess i am. not really.

i can't really complain about life that much in the grand scheme. in the grand scheme, things are pretty good. at least i still have a job, right? one that doesn't suck balls. and even if that weren't the case and work did suck giant rhinoceros testes, i've been having great weekends with good people and, aside from spending too much money, it's been lovely.

what else, what else? i feel like there are other things i should mention.

i ran into evan and stefan two weekends ago with rachel, whom i introduced as antoun's girlfriend and it was strange to watch as my worlds continued to collide. i hadn't seen stefan in four years almost! he was SO thin, i couldn't believe it. his girlfriend was with him, too...thankfully it wasn't the nauseating one with the two kids. as for evan, we've yet to discuss the painting i'm supposed to do for him. i need to be painting again...i was on it for a hot minute but lost interest as all i wanted to do was html, all the live long day.

i want it to be summer. NOW. that phrase has become my mantra. i definitely took the weather for granted in LA...it's high time for a frolic.